I was not born a cynic, it was a learning process. And not just from the proverbial School of Hard Knocks (of which I am a graduate) but also from a sadistic instructor in Computer Logic Systems III whom I doubt ever intended that any of us students survive. You've heard of Killer Finals, right? This guy invented them.
Well, after I graduated (Ha!) I continued to learn advanced cynicism and became knowledgeable in areas other than computers. The mainstream media, for one. I believe their objectivity is a little subjective. To outside influence. Like if The Gap threatens to pull thirty million dollars worth of advertising  because they 'don't like certain editorials', well what do you think is going to happen? And also about politicians. I believe little of what most of them have to say.
We are coming up on Election 2000 in San Francisco, where the voters will decide who are to be our supervisors, often referred to with little affection as 'stupes' . Decide, to some extent, allowing for trickery, dead people voting, ballot boxes being left out  in the rain or floating in San Francisco Bay (where, far as I am concerned most of the candidates belong) pre-dawn polling places, absentee ballots from Bulgravia and all that.

 Now obviously, all of the people running for office want to be elected. So they imply things. Construed as "promises" by some Cynicism 101 dropouts and a naïve populace in general, these are things that the  candidates want you to believe they will do. But if you listen carefully, you will rarely if ever hear, "If elected I will do this, I will do that…" What you actually hear is, "Well, I certainly believe this should be  looked into" and "Yes, I believe this is important to my constituents" and other such intimations vague vexatious and vacuous .

 However, it is always the "big" things they talk about. Always the "big" issues. Whether or not we should spend millions on an electronic scheduling system for Muni which won't work, or how much the Supervisors salary should be increased. I suppose raises are necessary, though. Inflation and all that. After all, poor Amos Brown has to rough it with only one upstairs maid and since he can not afford an experienced gun-bearer he has to tote his own shootin' iron.

Now, let's look at one of the little things.
San Francisco has always been a tolerant city. I don't know who first said it but no doubt it has been attributed to Herb Caen, "What with 16,000 people per square mile, we damn well better tolerate each other." San Francisco is a noisy city. And so we tolerate. Some of it is unnecessary, but one can't expect anything to be done about it. Such as the metal plates along the Cable Car tracks on Hyde Street that make a constant racket as cars drive over them. I mean, Muni is not about fixing things, right?
But there is one about which something could be done.

Boom-Boom.
Car stereos with ultra-super-deluxe sub-speakers so large that the rear seat has to be removed to make room for them. Remember the scene in Back To The Future II? Yeah, like that. They are specially tuned to resonate with the average size bedroom and have optional harmonic generators that rattle window frames. Probably designed by an instructor I once had who also taught Audio Systems I.

OK you ask, what does this have to do with cynicism and politics?

 Well, actually I am writing this as a question. I am posing it to all of the candidates for the Board of Supes: Are you willing to make a commitment? Are you actually willing to say that if elected you will absolutely cause the San Francisco Police to start enforcing municipal ordinances by citing the Boom-Boomers who don't crank it down - way down- after 10 PM?

Maybe it's too unimportant to even consider. Or maybe you live in a neighborhood where there aren't any Boom-Boomers. So what do you care? Maybe you don't know what it is like to try and write a book in the wee small hours. With Light wooden window frames rocking and rolling to Heavy Metal.

 Maybe there is an alternative. With some cooperation from the Feds, The City could open a drive-in restaurant disguised as a Mel's Diner at the Presidio. Then all the Boom-Boomers would  migrate there and leave the rest of us in peace and quiet. But seriously, The City should start enforcing the laws against excessive noise after 10 PM.

Crime and Punishment
Now, not only am I a proud cynic, I am also old fashioned. I mean like in some ways my thinking goes all the way back to the days of the Pilgrims. And, I guess I am also just a little sadistic. Right. I picked that  up in college.

I believe that the People of the City and County of San Francisco would be better served if we brought back some of the forms of punishment used in the early years of this country. The Stocks and the  Pillories. Let the Boom-Boomers spend a few days in front of City Hall with their heads and hands sticking through timbers of rough hewn oak. Or even a Ducking Stool in Golden Gate Park for repeat offenders. That would wilt their woofers.

Maybe you don't agree. But there are many benefits of such a system of Justice, so please put away your personal ideologies and think in terms of the Greater Good. San Francisco is already one of the most photographed cities in the world, right? But when word gets around, new tourists by the hundreds of thousands will flock to our shores to take pictures of the Boom-Boomers.

Film sales and camera rentals alone would add millions of  dollars to the economy. The motorized Cable Car fleet would increase creating many new jobs and there would be openings for carpenters and locksmiths. And the conveniently located Farmers Market would enjoy increased sales and welfare recipients could be assigned paid positions, patrolling the area with baskets of (very) ripe tomatoes and grapefruits to sell to the tourists.

So, all you candidates, how about a commitment to the quality of life in San Francisco? Let just one of you so state and I will recant some of the above and go out and register to vote.

For a few dollars, tourists could throw      rotten fruit at the pilloried Boomers

Incidentally, you probably didn't know this, but there is growing scientific evidence that the cumulative effect of thousands of Boom-Boomers over the years may hasten The Big One that we all know is coming. The principle was discovered many years by Nicola Tesla in his work on subsonic vibrations and their effect on un-reinforced masonry structures. Tesla thought he could cause the destruction of tall buildings with a small device he invented. The US Geological Survey has been conducting experiments in the Bay Area based upon Tesla's research. That's why, you may have noticed, some of the Boom-Boom vehicles have government license plates.
 
Credits: The pictures used here are from Stocks and Pillories. A fascinating and  comprehensive site of great historical interest. "Let us remember, lest we forget"

M L Shannon
27 August 2000

Let just one of you so state and I will recant some of the above and go out and register to vote.
They didn't so I didn't.

Answer to Email I received, "... are you serious...?"
Well, the Ducking Stool is a tad extreme as people might be drowned, but the Stocks and Pillories? Damn right I am serious. Repeat red light runners, small-time drug dealers, and other minor criminals should be given the choice between jail (which costs the taxpayers a great deal of money) and this alternative (which does not).
Photos would be taken and posted on a web site along with the offender's name and crime.