I Killed My TV, and You Can Too!
M L Shannon
(c) Lysias Press 1998-2002
ISBN 1-884451-03-9 

I bought my first computer back in the early eighties- a Radio Shack "Coco" with a 6809 processor and a whopping 32K of memory. Had a 300 baud modem and a disk drive. Hot machine. It used a TV set for the monitor. I wanted to learn about computers, and use it to study electronics, which I planned to take in college. All was fine, except that it was too easy to flip a switch and go from Signal Noise Level to Saturday Night Live.

Like most other people, this had happened to me over a period of time. I became addicted. Oh, I would deny it if someone asked. "I can handle it" I would reply. Yeah. I remember the anti-drug commercials where this chick is crying in front of the camera and telling her story live from Detox. "Hey, man, like I really thought I could handle it. It was cool, and everyone was doin' it and I really got into it, and then everything started falling apart..." I guess that's what happened to me. I thought I could handle it.

I didn't realize what a problem this really was until one spring afternoon in 1985, when I was supposed to be studying for a Killer Final in Logic Systems III. I found myself watching a rerun of Green Acres, and then, suddenly, something snapped inside me. I can't explain it, I was in a sort of daze and don't recall what I was thinking, but I do remember what happened. I carried that Synapse Sapping Sanyo out into the back yard, then returned and got my shotgun and blew it to bits. Smithereenies, as Yosemite Sam would say. I mean you could barely tell what it had been after I blasted it with ten rounds from a 12 ga. Except for one short relapse, I haven't owned a TV since then, and there is a good chance that I never will. "God grant me the serenity..." One Day At A Time.

We Shall Overcome
Kicking the TV habit is a growing movement, as more and more Humans are finally figuring out why it is called The Boob Tube. Brain Drain. One Eyed Monster. Now, I don't suggest that anyone go to such extremes as did I if they want to experience the freedom of No TV. They could donate their Malovelent Magnavox to a homeless shelter, where exposure would be somewhat ephemeral. And, of course, there is another problem: gunfire tends to attract a lot of unwanted attention in most urbanities. Where I was at the time, we lived with it. Especially on New Year's Eve. At about midnight, everyone started shooting. There was more lead in the air than in forty six Roy Rogers movies and a Viet Nam documentary. It was kind of freaky, knowing that some of the neighbors owned machine guns. No, it doesn't really matter how you get rid of the Idiot Box; all that is important is that you have the determination to Kick The TV Habit. And if you truly want to, read on and see how.

Oh, Yeah? Why Should I?
I am not saying that you should. Chopping the Cable is not for everyone. But if you have ever considered it, then I think you will find, in the rest of this article, everything you need to know to get yourself on the road to recovery. What you may expect to go through. The reaction of your peers (which can be devastating), and what life might be thereafter. The decision is yours. Aside from the cost, there are two main reasons why one might consider Permanently Pulling the Plug. One is the programs, the other is the commercials.

The Programs
I remember a time when there was no television. Well, I mean a period of relative bliss when most people did not have Teevies in their parlors. Actually, it goes back farther than most people realize. The first commercial broadcast was in, I believe, 1928. A tiny little set, made by, as I recall, Stromberg-Carlson with a five inch screen showing a snowy, flickering image of Walter Winchell.
OK, if it wasn't Walter Winchell, it should have been Walter Winchell.
Over the years, this newfangled 'rad-e-o with pichures' improved in technology (and for a period of time, in programming) in the background of human electronic interaction. It was pretty much ignored for many years. After all, why strain one's eyes to see the unfocused undulating images of John Wayne when one could sit back and listen to Jack Benny? *

Time marches on....
My first experience, the very first time I saw TV, was in Southern Ohio in the fifties. A neighbor bought one of them newfangled things, and there were programs to watch that would one day be described by Hugh Hefner as having Redeeming Social Value. Most of them were on Public Television; PBS- programs that had something to say. This does not, of course, include Masterpiece Theater. But as time marched on, television went into reverse evolution. Where we once had the US Steel Hour and Texaco Star Theater, suddenly we were subjected to the idiocy and indignity of Petticoat Junction, Gilligan's Island, Green Acres. People were mesmerized. They became addicted. "I can handle it". Yeah, right. The more time one spends watching The Tube, the less time they have for other things. To some people, there aren't many other things that are important to them. Or maybe there are, but they have been forgotten. TV can do that to you. More on this coming up.

The Commercials
Undoubtedly the worst part of TV is the commercials. It isn't just that they seem to go on forever, there are many other things about commercials that are objectionable. Commercials are very carefully and cleverly made to entice people into buying whatever it is that's being offered for sale, and also to make people think, believe, they need these things. To make them psychologically dependant on them.

A family of four- Mom, Dad, Dick and Jane set off for their dreamed of annual vacation. Spot and Puff are left with a neighbor along with cases of Friskies and Alpo. A few miles down the road, Dad is suddenly stricken with a bad case of heartburn. "We'll have to turn back" he sadly intones and the camera pans to the kids, using a star filter to capture the tears forming in their eyes. The vacation is ruined because of Dad's bellyache. But then Mom comes to the rescue with a bottle of Milanta or a roll of Tums or whatever and saves the day. The commercial closes with a shot of the family having a great time, and the message is clear: If it weren't for Sal-a-Minica, there would be no Smokey Mountains.

On TV, any mother who does not Want The Best For My Family is a monster, and if they do not buy the advertised product, then obviously they do not Want The Best For My Family. Said mothers are also required to be choosy.
Scene in a supermarket: Lady spends a long time in the peanut butter section, finally selecting two jars, each of a certain brand. Switch to the kitchen scene where said Mother is about to prepare sandwiches for her children. She opens one jar, takes a look, and suddenly her expression changes to one of revulsion. She holds the jar over the sink and pours. TV women in kitchens pour a lot. Out comes a stream of thick oil and some unhealthy looking globs.
"My goodness, can you imagine anyone feeding that to their family?" she asks the camera. She opens the other jar and here is this healthy looking 'smooth and creamy' product, which tastes great as evidenced by the smiles of the kids.
The ingredients of jar 2: Reconstituted reclaimed peanut paste (from concentrate); hydrolized reconstituted peanut oil (from concentrate); sugar, sodium stabelite, lechithin, sugar, emulsifiers, calcium conglomerate, calcium stearate, agar gum, sucrose, calcium phosphate, sodium phosphate, artifical color, artificial flavor, butyl hydrate, butyl nitrate, butyl acetate, tri-sodium glycerol, di-chloro tri-phenyl bi-chlorovomitrate, FD&C red #2, FD&C Yellow #4, and sugar. (From concentrate.)

The ingredients of jar 1: Peanuts.

Another example is toothpaste. This is a multi-billion dollar industry, and the competition if fierce. The different manufacturers will try all sorts of tricks and gimmicks to get you to pay $3.79 for something that costs them eight cents to make. Different colors, multi-colors, different tube shapes, and making a tiny little change in the amount of one ingredient which permits them, under FTC law, to advertise it as New and Improved".
Well, the whole thing is a lot of hype. But don't take my word for it. Ask your dentist and see for yourself. Ask if Gleem is better than Colgate. Ask if any one brand is better than any other. Ask if using baking soda, which costs about one tenth as much, is just as good as toothpaste.

Merchandising. Think tanks on Madison Avenue. Experts in every field of Human endeavor. The Fact Finders. The people who figure out how to advertise so that you will reach people who demographically will buy our product. What is the best type of approach and when is the best time to sell a new brand of garden hoe to home gardners who: Own 3/4 acre of arable land, have income between 30K and 25K per year, and employ a part time gardner? What do we know about them, based on their Zip Code? They gather every scrap of information about you as they possibly can. Demographics. They list you. Your name and the name of your (Husband, wife, relatives... everyone you know or are related to. They know where you live and how much you earn and what credit cards you have and what magazines you subscribe to and what political contributions you make. And they put all this together to answer their marketing questions:
What are the chances, the odds, that we can sell a mail order toaster to a woman between 45 and 52, who lives alone within one block of the intersection of 145th and Division, gets $462.37 per month from Social Security, pays less than 27% of her gross income on rent, frequently purchases cases of Heineken beer, has a Master Card [checked: valid] and buys Pumpernickle unsliced at Julio's Deli.
They put all this together and they make profiles. Madison Avenue knows all about you. They know what you are likely to buy.

Insulting Commercials
Some commercials apparently don't expect you to believe them without "solid evidence" of what they claim. Some actor in a white lab coat (who probably doesn't know a test tube from a tiddly-wink) tells us "Studies show" that Gloppo is preferred ten to one over the Leading Brands". What studies? How many cats, dogs, or Humans were involved? Who conducted these 'studies'? Where? When? Who supervised them? May we have a copy of these studies with names, dates, and places?
And what about these mysterious and unidentified "Leading Brands?". What are the leading brands? If they are that leading, then we would probably have heard of them, right? So why don't they name them? As in the toothpaste example- Gleem is a "Leading Brand" as is Colgate. So if Gleem wants to claim it is better than Colgate, they why don't they say so? Because it isn't.

Commercial Music
Another way that these insidious Madison Avenue people get you to buy their products is with music. I remember a program on Public Broadcasting that was about the use of music in advertising. A number of students were shown a series of film clips of a snake, swimming in a pond. The first was silent, the others included different kinds of music. After viewing them, the students were asked to write a sentence or two describing what they thought the snake was feeling.
In one clip, our friend the aquatic reptile was enjoying his carefree swim. In another, he was filled with fear, trying to get away from something unknown. In another, he was the aggressor, chasing something unknown. And all the film clips were identical- except for the music.
Certain types of music can effect your mood, your feelings. Some of it is written specifically to arouse feelings of anxiety and used in commercials that want to make you afraid not to buy the product. Music within a commercial can change, and with it your emotions change. Poor Kitty won't eat what you have offered her. Sad depressing music to set the mood of Poor Kitty. So you open a can of Friskies Beef 'n Liver and Poor Kitty is gobbling it up. To a much livlier tune.

Program or Commercial?
Sometimes it's hard to tell one from the other. Their used to be this thing I heard about called Transformers. Some sort of toy that a kid could make into different things, robots and whatever. Also, there was GI Joe. Every Saturday morning, there were half hour programs about them that were just thinly disguised commercials. I suspect that the same thing still exists.

Good Commercials
Good being defined here as both entertaining and apparently honest about what they are trying to get you to buy, there used to be a few. I don't know if they still have them or not. Alaska Airlines, for example. This guy in the aircraft of 'another' airline goes to the bathroom to wash his hands. Can't get the faucet to work, and then it comes on full blast and squirts a big glob of water on his pants. Right in the crotch. Just as the "Return to your seats" light comes on. Budweiser used to have some good commercials, especially before they did away with Bud Man, and there are probably some others, but as far as I am concerned, the mass of them are misleading if not outright lies.

How can these advertisers get away with this? They have clout. Why can't you do something about it? You don't.

OK, enough about TV programs and commercials and why you might want to join the growing minority that have kicked it. Now, a look at what lies before you; what you can expect. The first step is to determine how difficult this may be. Assuming that this is even possible- for some people it is not as in the story of Boob-Toob Bob. His is one of the saddest of stories- someone with an addiction so severe that the poor feller has literally no chance of resurrecting his recreation.
I was working as a cook in a club that claimed to be exclusive. At least that's what the members were told. The finest in international cuisine. What they didn't know was that while the petit fours were indeed imported from France, the chef's famous made-from-scratch Lime Bavarian Creme Pie was imported from Sara Lee.
Well, one day the chef hired me a new assistant , to replace the one that had suddenly started gaining weight much to the chagrin of the Club Sek-ruh-tree. He know it wasn't because the food was so delicious, but rather that she and the Chef had been cooking up a somewhat different cuisine.
So, this guy, right away, starts telling everyone about the shows he watched every day He went on and on with a commentary of sit-coms and a running total of the cowboys-to-indians kill ratio and I mean if the pigeon eggs marinated in the Shef's Secret Sauce (beet juice) weren't enough to bring on indigestion, this guy Bob definitely was.
One day, while being chewed out by the Chef for using ear plugs and not hearing him on the intercom, I started mentally adding things up and concluded that Bob could not possibly watch that many programs in the 16 hours he was not at work, allowing for a few to sleep. So I asked him and the answer was something that petrified me. He watches more than one set at a time. Uses the remote to kill the sound during commercials on one set and crank it up on another. Good grief. Had four sets in the living (living?) room, two in the kitchen, two in the bedroom. Only one in the bathroom, though.

Degree of Addiction
Giving up TV is easier for some people than it is for others- it depends on the Degree Of Addiction. You can determine your approximate DOA with the following questionnaire: NOTE: Since this is a fairly new movement, we haven't yet come up with a precise rating system, but based upon tests ("Studies Show...) at the Rookings Institution and the Carney-Muskmellon Institution, of thousands of volunteers, it appears to be about 85 percent accurate.

IDIOTGRAPHIC ONE:
[A] How many rooms are there in your home? Including baths, half-baths, basement, utility room, dining room, den, and, of course, bedrooms. _____. [B] How many Boob Tubes are in your home? Including Watch-Person types._____. Divide [A] by [B]. If the answer is 1 or more, your score is 5. If less than 1.0 it is Zero. Enter score here_____.

IDIOTGRAPHIC TWO: [C] Do you have a patio or back yard, and if so, do you have a TV there? YES=5 NO=0 Enter score here_____.

IDIOTGRAPHIC THREE:  How many hours per week do you Drain your Brain? Less than 10 (0) 11 to 40 (10) More than 40 (25) Enter score here ____.

IDIOTGRAPHIC FOUR: How often, while watching reruns, do you remember the exact thing a person is about to say. (Including commercials). [F] Once a week. (1). [G] Once a day. (5). [H] Twice a day. (10). Enter score here_____.

If your total score from Idiotgraphics 1 through 4 is: 0 to 5: This is the lowest DOA. You will have very little difficulty Pulling the Plug and withdrawl will be not at all unpleasant.
6 to 15: Serious addiction. Withdrawl possible with professional help.
16 to 24: Very serious addiction. Little chance of recovery but it is possible.
25 or higher: The only way you could be reading this is through Web TV, the most abominable invention of the Electronic Age. There is no hope for you. But then, you never expected hope. You see this as just another commercial announcement or program, the difference of which has long ago escaped your poor befuddled and rapidly decreasing brain cells. From a medical perspective, this is akin to deep irreversible psychosis or Advanced Altzheimers disease. Again, there is no hope for you. Live out your years (months?) in the bliss of Ignorance and die unmourned and quickly forgotten by those whom you have forgotten.

Side Effects
Before we get into withdrawl, you should know that there are certain side effects that you need to consider, and make the determination as to whether or not they may be detrimental to your goal.

Backlash
It has been said that there is nothing worse than a reformed smoker. Not far from the truth, these 'Holier-Than-Thou Types seem to maintain their own one person crusade against those who choose to continue smoking.
I remember a feller sitting in a restaurant, chomping on a cigar. One of these HTT types went up and demanded that he "git rid of that disgusting and revolting thing'. Either it didn't matter or she didn't bother to look, but the cigar wasn't lit, and when the guy told her to get lost (actually, those weren't his exact words) she took out a squirt gun and began blasting the poor fellow. It might have turned into a riot, but a cool headed chef managed to defuse the situation. He offered to buy the guy another cigar and to not charge the girl for the coconut cream pie she was wearing.
Well, those who kick TV are susceptible to the same craziness. If you decide to kick the TV habit, please don't become a fanatic and do crazy things that could get you in trouble. Both The Good Guys and Circuit City are aware of this new movement and have installed special gizmos that detect concealed cans of spray paint and the FCC will put you in jail if you try blowing up the stations.

Another side effect that you will have to deal with is the reaction you get when other people find out.
"WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE A TV???" and "Oh, you poor thing. Look, I have an old Black & White in the basement. It isn't much, but you can borrow it until you get back on your feet." Don't expect anyone to understand. They won't. Keep it to yourself.

The Tubeless TV
One of the most difficult aspects of kicking the habit is the idea of missing The News. I really don't understand why, since it's mostly bullshit, but it makes people cringe at the thought, shudder inside and even become physically ill. Well, there are ways to solve that problem.

Do Try This At Home!
Here is an experiment you can conduct yourself, right there in your living room. Just before the news comes on, hang a towel or pillow case over the screen. Then listen to the news. Do this for five straight nights and then make an observation: Are you any less well informed that before the experiment? Actually, most people will find that they remember more about the news stories than before. Try it and see for yourself. However, you will need a way to fool the kids lest they see through it no pun intended.

Another alternative to The Tube.
Somewhere in your home there is probably a little electronic gizmo, coated with dust and all but forgotten. It's called a radio. Can you say ray-dee-yo? Well, some of these radios tune in the Audio Portion (AP) of the TV signal. You know, that thing that the networks are always temporarily losing? With such a radio, you will be able to hear the news without the hassle of using towels and pillow cases, which are kind of hard to explain should the neighbors drop in. And also, you can stop lying to your children.
If you do not have such a radio, you can purchase one from any of dozens of dealers across the country. Yes, that's right, there is one near you! They are also available at Pawn Shoppes and second hand stores. And there is a bonus to owning such a radio. You can listen to the neighbors on their cordless phone as they are gossiping about your 'strange behaviour, lately'.
"Sally, did you know the Martins cover their TV screen when The News comes on? You don't suppose they've become mentally ill, do you? I surely wouldn't want...those kind of people... in 'our' neighborhood...".
"Oh My God, Matilda! I heard that Charles Manson did the same thing. I tell ya', you're not even safe in your own home any more..."

The News: BFD
And what's the big deal with The News, anyway. Some things I bet you never really thought about. You watch The News because that is what people do. It is what everyone does, right? Well, in the early days of TV, it was different. The News came on at 10 or 11 PM, just before the Late Show, and on some stations, maybe The News At Noon was broadcast, but that was about it. Today, The News is on umpteen channels, umpteen times a day, said times being shuffled around so that one station can 'scoop' another. So, you (you, not me) have The News at Noon, 5 PM, 7 PM, 9, 10, 11 and Midnight. Now think about something: Is there really that much more happening in the world of today that so many The News programs are necessary? Not really. So, the stations are frantic to find something to put in all those slots. And much of it is of little interest.

Man Bites Dog
OK, it may seem cynical to say, but are you really that excited about Wanda Whoppers having won the baton twirling contest at Horace P. McGillicuddy High School in Denton, Iowa? Be honest, now... And, yes, it is really sad that torrential rains caused a bridge to collapse in Mississippi and 43 stray cows fell into the Chattahochee Crick, but does that really effect your daily life?

The News Transplanted
After I graduated from college, and while I was still in withdrawl, I moved out of state to stay with a relative while seeking employment. (This is a story in itself; Hi Tech Job) He had not yet seen the proverbial light, and had a TV. I couldn't very well try to save him until I had been there for a few weeks and worked up to it, so I suffered through The News every evening. Well, I discovered something profound. The News in one place is much the same as the news in any other place. If you look carefully, just as the camera comes on, you will often see hands being snatched out of range at the last split second. Hands holding make-up brushes and hair brushes and mascara brushes... They all look the same. The beautiful and handsome reporters, and the token bald person who usually does the weather, is invariably cursed with a sick sense of humor, and seldom has an accurate forecast. The look the same, they talk the same, and the stories are the same.
"The School Board today announced that they would install metal detectors at the doors after several students were arrested for carrying AK-47's in their gym bags...
"The Mayor has announced a new program to combat street drug dealers...
"City Councilman Albert Schlockhoffer denied that he misappropriated $25,000.00 in public funds to build a new swimming pool at his home...
"A head-on crash on the Interstate has claimed the lives of three Ajax County teenagers. Sheriff Dudley Doofus stated that evidence indicates that the youths had been drinking, and a small quantity of marijuana was found in the wreckage.
And, of course, "The President will be spending the weekend at Camp David...

A Touch of Bull
The News tends to exaggerate things a tad. How many stories have you read about disasters where people were killed. Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Earthquakes (I was here for the Loma Prieta) that stretched the numbers a little. Consider the following story:

Golden Arches Tarnished in South America
Follow up story by Trent Trencher: Death Toll Less Than Previously Reported
"Earlier estimates of the number of deaths at Old McDonald's Farm may have been exaggerated", this reporter learned today. "Relying on a usually informed and frequently sober source, we reported that 30,243 people had died in the noxious gas cloud that hovered over the 250,000 acre ranch located in the Matto Grosso. Red Cross rescue workers, flown in on US Air Force cargo transports have fixed the number of casualties at six, who were deodorized and released from a local hospital. There were no fatalities."

There are the interviews...
Local residents interviewed by this reporter claim that they have been trying to force McDonalds to install new machinery to dissipate the flammable vapor that emanates from millions of Cow Pies dropped every day by cattle awaiting slaughter for the fast food giant. "We can't get them to clean it up" stated Emilio Vasquez, a farmer who owns land bordering on the Big Mac. "One of these days, four billion cubic feet of explosive methane is gonna blow half of Brazil off the map."

...and, of course, there are the denials.
A spokesperson for the Meat Magnate stated that the story is "Nothing but a lot of hot air. Our Cow Pies comply with all federal standards for gaseous emissions." When asked about the number of cattle slaughtered per month, he replied, "Look, people want hamburgers, and if they don't get them from McDonald's, they'll just get them from somebody else".
So much for The News

Yahoo! as Methadone
If you have been on the Internet very long, then you know about Yahoo! and you probably also know about My Yahoo!, a free service from Compuserve. It has a 'ticker' that continuously scrolls the headlines and "Top Stories" across the bottom of your monitor screen, and you can click to read the complete articles, as well as stock market info, weather, sports, and all that. Like Methadone for heroin addicts, it isn't a cure but it does make withdrawl less painful.

Search for Extra-Television Intelligence. (SETI)
This also stands for Surgical Extraction of the Tuner Innards, and consists of having a qualified TV repair person modify your TV so that it is incapable of receiving commercial stations. Only selected cable channels are allowed to pass through the filtering mechanism. Which channels you can get will depend on your DOA. You will also be able to use it with your VCR. Some community colleges are offering courses on how to program them.

Withdrawl
And now that part you have been dreading. I tend to be a no-nonsense type of person, so I am gonna lay it on you without a (C&H Pure Cane) sugar coating. It's gonna be rough. You will need all the help you can get (more on this coming up) and you will need determination. But you can do it.
The first 72 hours are the most difficult, during which you may experience the most severe symptoms. Restlessness, nervousness, shortness of breath, dry mouth, frequent urination, blurred vision, dizzy spells, possibly stomach cramps, and, of course, (OMIGAWD, I'll miss The Simpsons...) anxiety attacks. Frequent. Recurring. Terrifying.
After a few hours, you will find the urge to grab the remote control overwhelming, overpowering. So you lie to yourself. "I'll only watch one half-hour sitcom, and then turn it off". But you won't. And a few hours later, you will be right back where you were. You will be a FAILURE! So, what you need to do is prepare for that first full day of no TV by removing yourself from temptation. Here are some ideas.

Go camping. Spend a weekend in the woods and commune with nature. Take along your copy of TV Guide, and while sitting before the campfire, tear out and burn the pages, one by one, and picture in your mind lying under a tree in a peaceful, sunny meadow. With pretty flowers waving in the gentle breeze and butterflies dancing in the air. It also helps to chant "Burn, Boobtube, Burn", and as you do, but you might want to make your campsite out of hearing distance of any other. Some City Slicker with a new Weatherby .270 magnum might mistake you for a moose.

Hang out in the admitting area of a hospital that has a psychiatric ward, and tell everyone you see that you are Napoleon. But first, stop at a costume shop. This is one of those situations where having the right hat makes a big difference. While you are padding about in a padded cell, picture the same thing in your mind- the peaceful meadow. But do NOT chant. On Monday morning, you will be taken to see The Doctor. Make sure you don't say that any of those ink blots look like sexual organs (even though that's what they really are) and then explain the situation. The Doctor will understand, and you will immediately be released with his blessing.

Not recommended is getting shit-faced and disorderly on a Friday evening, and spending the weekend in the Drunk Tank. True, there is no TV there, but you won't remember what you went through and the whole thing will have been wasted. You will have to start over, not to mention paying a fine and apologizing for the remarks you made about the arresting officer's ancestors.

When you get home and face the fact that The Boob Tube is no longer there, you may experience another anxiety attack, but this one will be minor. Open your mail, fix a sandwich (with that gooey peanut butter) then go in the living room, sit in your usual place, and start at that huge empty spot. Force yourself to look at it. Close your eyes and envision the Missing Monster in your mind. Then switch that mental image to the peaceful meadow.
Repeat this exercise several times and gradually a strange kind of calm sets in and you start looking for constructive things to do. You clean out the hall closet and discover all sorts of stuff. An old baseball and gloves, and suddenly you are in the back yard playing catch with your kids. Remember them, your kids?
You clean the garage, something that previously you faced with absolute dread, stark terror, it now seems not so formidable. And, again, you discover things without the Discovery Channel. Tools! Hey, I can fix that bedroom window that sticks. The phone rings. The Phone! I can talk to old friends and have an intelligent conversation, something that never was possible during the commercials.

The second phase of withdrawl begins about 48 hours later, as your internal clock starts to reset itself. This isn't quite as extreme as the first phase, at least as far as the physical symptoms go, but nevertheless is difficult. It will last for about one week. The main symptom is a sense of being disoriented. Of not knowing where you are. It peaks at about 11 PM. During this time, it is recommended that you do not drive a motor vehicle or operate dangerous machinery such as a Cuisinart. If this is part of your job, see if you can get a leave of absence or take some accumulated sick leave. You should also check to see if this is covered by your health plan. If not, lie to them. Claim that you have mono.
Sooner or later, you will discover something better. With millions of channels, no commercials, no batteries... Books! You can read at your own pace and if you get distracted for some reason (such as speaking to your family) when you get back, you will not have missed anything.

Relapses
As you progress in your new life, there will be times when you start to fall back. This is normal, it happens to every ex-addict. To relieve the symptoms, try going to a movie. Remember theaters? Those big auditoriums where the sound is incredible and the popcorn inedible? Even though you know that no matter where you sit, Some People's Kids will be tapping their foot against the back of your seat, go!
Go out and rent the best TV and VCR you can find. Then stop off and rent 43 tapes. Movies of every kind. Now this next step is very important. When you get it set up (you'll need to make a place for it in the living room) rip the antenna connection out. Sure, you'll have to pay for the damage, but it's better (and cheaper) than falling back into the Network Nightmare.

Support Groups
One of the most effective types of organizations is Mad Mothers. The very mention of their name strikes terror into the most stout hearted of people. You could start your own if there isn't already one in your neighborhood.

ALANON
In selected cities across America, Alcoholics Anonymous has agreed to accept TV addicts with a high DOA. "My name's Shannon and I'm a tubeaholic". "HI, SHANNON!!" You'll find plenty of support here, people who will care for you until you are Finally Free. There will be lots of black coffee and unhealthy food such as donuts, but most of all is the spirit you will feel, from being together with many others that understand what addiction is.

Finally Free!
You made it. You went 30 days without watching the Boob Tube. Congratulations. But never forget for a moment that you could slip back and once again fall into the evil forces of Hollywood and Madison Avenue. So do as they do in ALANON. Maybe you can't make it for the rest of your life. But every morning, when you awaken, remind yourself of what you already know: You can make it for 24 hours. One day at a time. Wisdom and Serenity.

Aftermath
With all the free time you suddenly have on your hands, you might consider some of the things you could do with it. There are many to choose from, depending on your interests. Tennis. Make stained glass windows. Basket Weaving. Better than Basket Case. And whatever else.
Myself? I started writing books.

* See also the Old Time Radio screens on this site.

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